What is the prophetic?
It is the Greek word ‘propheteuo,’ meaning to speak divinely or by inspiration from God. The prophetic is simply the revealed heart and mind of God.
The role of the Holy Spirit
Jesus communicates to us through the Holy Spirit.
 “…whatever He (the Holy Spirit) hears He will speak, and He will tell you things to come. He will take of what is Mine and declare it to you.” John 16:13-14.

In Jeremiah 29:11 God says He has wonderful plans for all of us. He has carefully planned each day. (Psalm 139:16). He leads us to these plans through the prophetic ministry and the Word of God.
1: You have the ability to hear and speak the voice of God
“My sheep hear My Voice…” John 10:27
“You can all prophesy…” 1 Cor 14:31

The Bible says “pursue love, and desire spiritual gifts but especially that you may prophesy”. 1 Cor 14:1.

The word desire is ‘zeloo’ in the Greek which means to enthusiastically pursue after. God would not want t to desire something we couldn’t have. Hearing from God is for everyone who will receive it by faith.
2. God speaks in several ways
His written Word (Logos) and His revealed Word (Rhema)
Dreams and visions (Gen 37:57;Acts 7:55-56)
Visions (Acts 10:10-16)
Pictures or images (Jer 1:11)
Still small voice (1 Kings 19:11-13)
Loud audible voice (Matt 17:5-6)
Christ-like thoughts (Phil 2:5)
Impressions (Jer 20:9)
Lack of comfort or peace (Acts 15:28)
Physical signs (Acts 21:10-11)
Angels (Rev 17:1)
The prophet or prophetic Word(2 Kings 4:16-17; 1 Sam 17:46)
3. Reasons for the Prophetic Ministry
Edify: ‘Oikodome’ in the Greek which means to “build, erect, or put stones into place.” The prophetic has the power to build the spiritual and physical world (1 Cor 14:3; Jer 1:9-10).
Exhort: ‘Paraklesis’ in the Greek which means to offer “comfort” or “consolation.” (1 Cor 14:3)
Comfort: ‘Paramuthia’ in the Greek which also means to console or comfort but also has the meaning of to “speak closely to someone.” (1 Cor. 14:3)
The prophetic message inspires God to perform His Will on earth (Jer 1:12; Amos 3:7).
It convinces unsaved people about the Gospel of Jesus Christ (1 Cor 14:24-25).
It gives way for the use of other spiritual gifts to operate.
It counters the false spiritual voices that are present today (John 6:31).
4. To prophesy is a gift from God for every believer
The prophetic gifts are a small part of the spiritual gifts. (Rom 12:6-8; 1 Cor 12:8-10; Eph 4:11). Below is some further explanation on some of these gifts:

Word of knowledge: Here the Holy Spirit reveals the past or present facts about a person, place or situation.
(2 Kings 5:26; John 4:17-18).

Word of wisdom: Here the Holy Spirit reveals guidance and direction
 for solving a particular problem. (Gen 41:34-36).

Discerning of spirits: Here the Holy Spirit reveals the type of spirits
operating in a particular person, place or situation. (2 Kings 6:16-17; Acts 14:17-10).

Prophesy: Here the Holy Spirit communicates the heart and mind
of God for anything in the past, present or future.
5. How you can walk in the Prophetic
Study the Bible to receive revelation of this truth
Desire the prophetic ministry. (Luke 11:5-13; Matthew 5:6)
Start journaling any thoughts, impressions, dreams, visions from God. (Hab 2:2; Rev 1:19)
Spend time with God and read His Word
Pray in the Spirit daily and worship God daily
Fast regularly
Practice His presence. Regularly talk to God through-out your day, sharing your experiences, likes and dislikes. (James 4:8)
Expose yourself to prophetic material, ministers etc. (1 Sam 19:20-24; Prov 13:20; 27:19)
Prophecy and proclaim the Word of God regularly, especially over your own life, a patricular person, place or situation. (2 Kings 6:16-17; Acts 14:17-10).
Depend on His grace. (2 Tim 1:9) 

Abraham S. Rajah is the founder of Kings & Priests International and is dedicated to raising fivefold and market place ministers. For more info visit: www.kingspriests.co.za

We have all often asked ourselves, “What Would Jesus Do?” in a particularly challenging situation. Sometimes the answer is obvious, and other times may not be so clear-cut. One such murky example that has caused a huge firestorm in the Christian world, is the recent decision of an American pastor to cancel a couple’s ceremony on the day, because of the bride’s cleavage-bearing dress.

A skimpy dress
The wedding was scheduled for 3pm; at 2pm, the pastor greeted the bride and groom and upon noticing the bride’s dress hanging up, jokingly asked, “Where is the other half of the dress?”
Not thinking anything of the remark, the family laughed it off and continued applying make-up to the bride. Around 2:30pm, the pastor asked a leader of the church to check with the bride and her party if they had sorted out the missing fabric from her dress.

Stranded at the altar
The bride informed the leader, “This is it,” upon which the leader relayed the news to the pastor. The pastor then personally informed the bride and groom at separate times that he could not perform the wedding with the bride in her selected dress.
Pastor Michael Canty of Truth Ministries Holiness Church told the bride she would have to cover up her breast area and find a way to lengthen the dress; the bride informed the pastor that this would be impossible to accomplish in such a short space of time.
After much discussion by both parties (nearly one hour after the service was due to begin) the pastor expressed his regret at not being able to perform the ceremony and  walked back to his office, closing the door.
 
Too conservative?
The family was outraged, the guests confused and the couple hysterical over the embarrassment and wasted expense of flowers, travel etc. Local news stations picked up on the story and Christian blogs were ablaze with fiery comments and criticism.
It is not known if this fledgling ministry (only 14 months old) has a pre-published set of guidelines as to the expected attire of women/code of conduct, but one can assume that (as their name denotes) they prize holiness and modesty.
Most of these types of churches (which are conservative) would have the following common standards for women:
 • Skirts should be below the knee; no pants
 • Shirts should not be form fitting
  • Blouses or shirts should never reveal cleavage, (typically using a 2 finger-width rule from the neck all around)
 • Sleeves should cover elbows
 • Absolutely no midriff; essentially women should be dressed modestly, clean, presentable, and directing no attention to self.
 
What is God’s concern?
Was this pastor out of line for ruining this young couple’s wedding day? Or did he take a stand for modesty that deserves commendation? It depends on who you ask…as Christians views differ drastically:
 “I am sad for the bride who wanted a church wedding in a [tarty] dress, but even sadder for the pastor who missed his teachable moment,” commented one Christian author.
Another blogger had this to say: “Can you wear this dress on the senate floor? Can you be a doctor and wear this dress at work? If the answer is NO then you cannot wear this to church as well. Just like the world has its proper decorum, so does the Church of Christ…”
“The pastor’s fashion sense overrode God’s will?! There is NOTHING in Scripture that mandates/governs what the bride cannot wear to her own wedding,” said another.
One person noted that, “God is not looking at her outfit, God is not looking at how ‘sexy’ she is. God is looking at the fact that a man and woman are coming together in unity to become one. We need to stop putting our focus on the outside.”

What would Jesus do?
So was the pastor too judgemental and attempting to throw stones at a sinner (like the Pharisees Jesus rebuked in John 8) or, was he upholding the Biblical standards of holiness and respect that should be shown in the House of the Lord? Have we lost all reverence and a fear for the things of God? Or do we need to adapt with the times and meet people where they are at?

Should we welcome the unholy? 
The children of God are commanded to be holy, sanctified and set apart; a royal priesthood. Thus, while we cannot expect unsaved people to adhere to these standards of Biblical morality and modesty, we ourselves should strive to preserve them in our midst.
If God doesn’t care what we wear, Scripture wouldn’t tell us to adorn ourselves in modest apparel, in clothing that is proper for women professing godliness (1 Tim 2:9-10).
More than anything, this incident high-lights the difficult (and unpopular) position of the modern Church: to be a holy house, that welcomes unholy people. A bastion of purity and morality, embracing the broken, the rebellious, the prodigals.
So, was the pastor wrong to call off the wedding? Did he do more harm than good in this situation? Did he represent the love of Christ in his decision?
All too often people picture Jesus as a meek and mild, long-haired Saviour who was a pacifist at heart…naturally this impression of Christ will colour one’s answer to the elusory question, “What Would Jesus Do?”
Conversely, could this minister’s actions have pushed the (presumably unsaved or backslidden) couple and their guests further away from God the Father? Was the principle worth sacrificing the people?

Seek God’s wisdom
Ultimately only the individuals who were there that day, can account for what truly happened and in what manner it was dealt. Perhaps the church in a pre-marital counselling session stipulated a dress code. Perhaps they assumed a level of decorum and respect that was clearly lacking on the day.
Regardless of the specifics, this incident should be a warning bell to churches and leaders to pre-empt similar situations happening in their congregations. May the Lord grant us wisdom! 
 
To Think About:
• Should he have proceeded with the ceremony?
• How can churches avoid situations like this in future?
• Should they prescribe acceptable dress codes?

The number of natural disasters striking the earth today is unprecedented; monthly we hear of an earthquake or hurricane ripping through entire islands and countrysides. The devastation that follows is usually so systemic, that is takes years, if not decades, for people and countries to recover. And yet as each new disaster hits, the same age-old question emerges (asked by believers and non-believers alike): “Why would God allow such a catastrophe?”
For some Christians, the irrefutable answer is that God is Sovereign and can do what He pleases, and we can rest in the knowledge that it is ultimately part of His great plan for bringing mankind to a place of reckoning and for those who accept it, redemption.
Is God in control of the weather?
For other believers though, the notion that God would either actively cause such tragedy, or that reactively, He would allow it, is incongruous with the belief that He is a good God who came “to give us life abundant” (John 10:10).
Rather, for those who view God this way, they would say that because the world is fallen and cursed, that natural disasters are in fact just that – either caused by the effects of nature at war with itself, or by the devil who, as “the prince of this world” has authority to unleash evil and destruction
(1 John 5:19) as part of his purposes “to steal, kill and destroy.”  (John 10:10).
Jesus-centred view
For others, though God may allow some natural disasters, and even cause them, He is not specifically involved in each one. They base this on the notion that Jesus (as God incarnate on earth) demonstrated a love for people that supersedes the immediate call for judgement (through natural disasters or other means). One respected theologian noted in response to the Japanese Tsunami of 2011, that, “the Jesus revealed in the Bible healed, restored, and raised to life.
Indeed He did warn and admonish, but never with destruction and death. He rebuked the disciples who wanted to call down fire from Heaven on His detractors (Luke 9:54). When one of His followers cut off the High Priest’s servant’s ear, Jesus admonished the disciple and healed the man’s ear. Throughout Scripture we see that God always warns before He destroys or judges a nation. If there was no distinct warning from God, then I do not believe the Japanese tsunami was an act of punishment or judgement.”
For a prominent Christian pastor, it is critical to realise that the devil has power in this world (though admittedly it is power granted to him for an allotted time by God.)
This pastor explains, “The Old Testament story of Job is a classic example of how God sometimes allows satan to bring calamities. Job lost his cattle, crops, and family to vicious attacks, a killer hurricane, and firestorm. Job’s friends said these disasters came from God, but a careful reading of reveals that it was satan who brought these evils. (Job 1:1-12).”
Another perspective
For another theologian (I withhold names because often as Christians we polarise our responses to difficult theological questions and lose the point of the message when we know of the messenger), God is most certainly in control of the weather and can work His purposes for good, in the midst of hopeless destruction.
Acknowledging the laws of nature
In a response to the recent typhoon that ravaged the Philippines, he had this answer for the journalists questioning God’s role:
“Tragedies cause many people to question God’s goodness. It is distressing that
natural disasters are often termed “acts of God” while no “credit” is given to God for years, decades, or even centuries of peaceful weather. God created the whole universe and the laws of nature (Gen 1:1).
Most natural disasters are a result of these laws at work. Hurricanes, typhoons, and tornados are the results of divergent weather patterns colliding. Earthquakes are the result of the earth’s plate structure shifting. A tsunami is caused by an underwater earthquake.
The consequences of the Fall
The Bible proclaims that Jesus Christ holds all of nature together (Col 1:16-17). Could God prevent natural disasters? Absolutely! Does God sometimes influence the weather? Yes, as we see in Deuteronomy 11:17 and James 5:17. Numbers 16:30-34 shows us that God sometimes causes natural disasters as a judgement against sin. The book of Revelation describes many events which could definitely be described as natural disasters (Rev 6, 8, and 16). Is every natural disaster a punishment from God? Absolutely not.
In much the same way that God allows evil people to commit evil acts, God allows the earth to reflect the consequences sin has had on creation. Romans 8:19-21 tells us, “The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the One who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.”
The Fall of humanity into sin affected everything, including the world we inhabit. Everything in creation is subject to “frustration” and “decay.” Sin is the ultimate cause of natural disasters just as it is the cause of death, disease, and suffering.
Why would God allow this?
We can understand why natural disasters occur. What we do not understand is why God allows them to occur. Why did God allow the tsunami to kill over 225 000 people in Asia?
Why did God allow Hurricane Katrina to destroy the homes of thousands of people? For one thing, such events shake our confidence in this life and force us to think about eternity.
Saving the lost
Churches are usually filled after disasters as people realise how tenuous their lives really are and how life can be taken away in an instant. What we do know is this: God is good!
Many amazing miracles occurred during the course of natural disasters that prevented even greater loss of life. Natural disasters cause millions of people to re-evaluate their priorities in life. Christian ministries have the opportunity to help, minister, counsel, pray, and lead people to saving faith in Christ!
Resting in His love
One of the greatest challenges we have as Christians is to somehow continue to believe God and to trust Him in the midst of horrendous devastation. When you see children being separated from their fathers and mothers, when you see hundreds of people dead, it is very natural to ask, “Where is God?”
We can wrestle with these questions till Christ returns, and we can attempt to answer the critics of Christ in all sincerity, but ultimately, the ways of God are higher than the ways of man; His thoughts supersede our reasoning. Ultimately this is what we know: God loves us, He died for us and offers to those who follow Him, a glorious eternity. 
 
To think about:
Do you believe God is in control of the weather?
• Are natural disasters a punishment of the nations?
• Does satan have authority over the weather at all?
• Do you believe the world will end in our lifetime?

Daniel Kolenda was just a young boy when the dream of  preaching the Good News of the Gospel flooded his heart. Several years later, after serving faithfully under the mighty ministry of possibly the greatest evangelist of our time, Reinhard Bonnke, Daniel finds himself at the helm of this international ministry.
In the 40 years that Christ for All Nations has been running, over 60 million souls have been saved, and hundreds upon thousands healed.
Daniel spoke to us about where He believes God is leading them in 2014….
Q. How has life changed since taking over the reins of CfAN last year?
A. The challenges remain the same in essence, but everything has become a bit more intense and my time has become a lot more precious. Through it all though, I have found that God supplies the perfect measure of grace to meet every demand in every season.
Q.What is the greatest lesson Reinhard Bonnke has taught you in the nine years working together?
A.The most significant lessons I’ve learned from Evangelist Bonnke have come from observing his life lived. The one lesson that has impacted me most, is ‘obedience.’ From watching him, I have learned the importance of radical, unconditional, immediate and wholehearted obedience to the Voice of the Holy Spirit. Obedience unlocks Heaven’s provision and releases the blessings of God.
Likewise, disobedience has the power to abort God’s perfect will in a person’s life and rob them of peace and blessing.
Q.What does an average day in your life look like?
A.There are a few things that are characteristic of my days. I love to spend time with Jesus and spend time in His Word – this is the priority in life. I also love to write, spend time with my family, and I enjoy going to the gym.
I am often travelling and do a lot of preaching (sometimes up to 15 times in a week). I do a lot of administrative work (overseeing ten international offices and sitting on more than twenty boards of directors for ministries). I rarely have two days that are the same!

Q.You are the father of four, how often are you away from home?
A.I spend, on average, more than two weeks per month on the road and unfortunately my family does not get to travel with me as often as I would like.
I am blessed however to have a family that shares the burden for the lost, the calling to evangelism and the grace that God gives with His call. When we are together, we make an extra effort to invest quality time in each other, even when we don’t have large quantities of time. I can honestly say that my family doesn’t just “cope”  – we love our life serving Jesus and we wouldn’t trade it!

Q. 2013 was a busy year for the ministry. What are some highlights?
A. Last year we held major evangelistic Crusades in Ivory Coast, Kenya, Tanzania, Ghana, Slovakia, and United States in addition to Fire Conferences and many other events all over the world. Our final crusade for the year was in Cameroon and already we have seen more than 1-million people make decisions for Christ in 2013 alone!
These individuals have been entered into the follow up system (which utilises sophisticated technological tools) where the churches will work to assimilate them into their local congregations.
In Tanzania, one of the local pastors picked me up to take me to the final meeting of the crusade; he was overflowing with joy and proceeded to tell me that in their morning service, they had counted over 3 900 new converts in his church who had come from the crusade! This is what I love to hear because Jesus sent us to make disciples, not just converts.

Q.I love reading your reports of the miracles and salvation stories…
A.When it comes to miracles, I never need to think back very far to recall a notable story. Just a couple of weeks ago something happened in Accra, Ghana that was remarkable. A Muslim man who was travelling through town on his way to another city missed his connecting train and decided to go for a walk to the city centre (where our crusade was being held).
He had been deaf in both ears for a couple of years; he did not know there was a Gospel Crusade going on; he was not looking to be healed and he could not even hear what was being said. But suddenly his ears opened and he was totally healed!
He stood before me on the platform, trembling, overcome with emotion. He had a look of shock on his face. “My name is Mohammed,” he said, and then proceeded to share his story.
I asked him if he knew who had healed him and he said,  “The messenger of the Almighty God…Jesus is…He is a God,” he said, as though the thought had just occurred to him. He said, “the Qu’ran says if you do not believe in Christ you are not a good Muslim.” He seemed to be trying to justify this to himself. But I wanted to make it clear for the thousands watching this unfold – “Jesus is not just a messenger,” I said, “He is the Son of the living God. He is the Way, the Truth and the Life…”
By the end of our conversation, he seemed to be settled and completely sure, but he desperately wanted to get the message to his wife. So he announced the name of the city where he lives and said “If anybody knows me…tell my wife, Jesus is the Son of God!” I wish you could have seen the crowd.
No football team has ever received such enthusiasm – they were jumping and dancing and shouting with joy unspeakable and full of glory. It is a moment I will never forget!

Q.Share some of the ministry’s challenges…
A.The challenges for us are mostly financial. Even now we trust the Lord to provide for our next crusade, for which we do not yet have the finance. It’s an ongoing struggle, but the salvation of millions of souls is worth every challenge.

Q. A lot of the work you do is in African countries that have a strong Muslim presence. Is there a great danger to you and the team?
A.When it comes to Muslims, we have found most of them to be gentle, peace-loving people. They are so precious to Jesus. We don’t insult them and we don’t attack Islam. Rather, we preach Christ, whose love does not discriminate against anyone.
Also, we don’t intentionally step into fire – we avoid situations where our presence would be inflammatory and strive to keep the peace as much as possible. Having said that, we are very much aware that there is an inherent risk to what we do. We have sometimes received threats and most in our team have literally put their lives on the line at some point for the sake of the Gospel. We don’t talk about it much – we just get on with the work. We’ve decided that the reward is worth the risk, so we press forward with joy and trust in Jesus.

Q. It appears the West is becoming increasingly more ‘anti-Christian’. How does CfaN minister differently in Western countries than to African ones?

A. We don’t. We minister in Western countries exactly the same as we do in Africa. We preach the Gospel with boldness and demonstrate the Kingdom with signs and wonders. This is what God has called us to do and we have found that it works everywhere – not just in Africa.

Q. Why do you think there are so many signs and wonders at CfAN crusades, yet believers in the West rarely see them in their midst?
A..Jesus said, “These signs shall follow them that believe…” I am convinced that salvations, signs, wonders and miracles will be the norm in any community where believers genuinely expect and pray for them with faith in Jesus.
For believers who never see these things, my advice to you would be to step out in faith and do something risky. Drop the notion that these things only happen in other places or other times in history. Believe for the supernatural here and now.
Realise that it has nothing to do with you, your spiritual credentials or personal holiness.  It’s all about Jesus. Don’t take credit or blame – just trust and obey. Never base your theology on experience, but only on the Word.

Q.What awaits CfaN in 2014?
A.We will be holding Crusades, Fire Conferences, Schools of Evangelism, in Africa, Asia, Europe and North America. I am excited to be coming to South Africa for a Fire Conference from 21 – 22 March with Todd White at the African Dream Family Church in Edenglen, Edenvale, Gauteng. I believe this event is going to be a historic landmark in the nation. You can find out more information by going to: www.fire2014.org

Q.Finally, Daniel if you could give one message to the Body of Christ…
A.The greatest message of all time is the message that Jesus taught – the Gospel of the Kingdom. It is the Good News that the rule of God has come and is coming on the earth. Jesus taught the Good News of the Kingdom and then He demonstrated it – the sick were healed, the lepers were cleansed, the dead were raised and demons were exorcised.
A Kingdom is the realm wherein a king’s authority is recognised and obeyed. Thus the Kingdom of Heaven is present wherever there is submission to the Will of God and the result is that Heavenly realities manifest in the natural world.
We as believers were not just saved to become polished, decorative “nick-knacks” sitting on God’s shelf, filling space in Heaven for eternity. We were saved to become active annexations of the Kingdom – portals through which the “powers of the world to come” are able to break into this present age.
This is our calling and privilege as sons of God. Everything that I teach and preach to believers is intended to ultimately contribute to the process of bringing them into a place of becoming “Kingdom” people. 

To support the ministry, or for more info please see www.cfan.org.za

She could not look people in the eye as they greeted her. Head down, shoulders slumped, she headed to the nearest open seat and quietly slid into it. Her husband was a study in contrast. Confident, gregarious, he firmly shook hands and made polite small talk before striding over to sit beside his wife.
Becoming a shrinking violet
Years before, she had been a decorated officer in the military. A leader of men and women. Shrinking violets do not earn those positions, so it was obvious the woman in that seat was only a shell of the woman she used to be. When anyone tried talking with her, she clasped her purse to her chest with both arms, glancing up only occasionally. If asked a question, she spoke briefly and timidly.
Not your typical abuse
Abused? Yes, but perhaps not in the way you think…Her husband had never hit her or used his physical presence to intimidate her. In fact, he had no idea that he abused her at all. He considered himself a good man that would never be so evil as to harm a woman. In fact, he was the type that would go to the defence of any woman being threatened.
Who is really in control?
More than that, he seemed not to notice his wife’s public timidity. His view was that she could hold her own and was especially outspoken when they clashed. When she argued with him via email, she was forceful, angry, and articulate. She did the same aloud when they were alone.
He held that perception of her to the degree that the behaviour others saw seemed not to register with him. He saw a brawling, selfish witch. Others saw a frightened woman drowning in her own lack of confidence and esteem.
When the subject of controlling relationships came up, he was quick to tell how controlling his wife was. This is not unusual, often the person who is the most controlling is the one who feels the most controlled.
When he finally understood that the bulk of their problem was his behaviour, he reacted first with anger, then regret, and finally genuine change. Their relationship changed in a matter of three days and the change is still in effect nearly three years later.
What is control?
People crave respect. They want to be accepted for who they really are, rather than having to pretend to meet someone else’s criteria. When treated as an inferior, they react badly. When they feel they have to pretend, living as a picture of what another wants rather than as the person they actually are, they slowly dissolve their own identity. Some become lost and never rediscover who they were. Others deteriorate for a while, but eventually hit a point of frustration that leads to defiance, anger, and rebellion.
Compliance and fear
Picture the lion in a cage snarling and snapping at the tamer making them jump through hoops and put on a show. They show their anger, but ultimately comply because they do not wish to receive punishment.
The reward is not equal to the freedom they once had, but over time they submit themselves to captivity and the morsels handed by the one who controls them. The whip hurts; the morsels are tasty; compliance results. Others likely never yield to the control of the tamer. Some may for a while, but finally have enough and fight back.
The illustration makes clear how some marriages or relationships work. One person (man or woman) tries to make the other do, think, or feel a certain way, rather than accepting the natural differences between the sexes.
Manipulative measures
If their partner does not act as they wish, they bring about some type of punishment. It does not have to be physical. It can be emotional, mental, financial, sexual, or more. When the other person complies, a morsel of enjoyment comes their way, perhaps by the opposite of the method used to punish.
For example, a woman may try to control her husband by withholding sexual favour when he does not do as she wishes, and giving him sexual pleasure when he does. A man may try to control his wife by limiting the finances in the home, punishing and rewarding based on whether she ignores or complies with his wishes.
Damaging your relationship
The control may apply to more than action. Some individuals bicker and argue until their lover gives in and agrees. They think they won the argument; but the yielding lover did not give in, they gave up. Ending the pain of the argument became more important than defending their thoughts or beliefs. The controlling spouse feels good that the other finally saw the light. The controlled spouse feels resentment.
Often the control applies even to emotions. The controller forces the controlled to claim an emotion that the controller wants, rather than the honest emotion that the controlled actually feels. One reason that controlling people often claim that they are controlled is that when they do not get what they want, they blame the other person.
If he wants more lovemaking and she does not provide it, he views her as controlling him through sex and that may be the case. However, the difference in one who really is a controller and one who is being controlled is whether one allows the other to be who he or she truly is.
Cowering in fear
In the story that began this article, the husband controlled. He had so beaten his wife down with his arguing, intensity, and sense of self-righteousness that she had long since come to believe herself invalid. The reason they came to us for help was that she had finally reached a point of absolute rebellion.
That is why she fought so hard in emails and when just the two of them were alone. However, her sense of inferiority developed from being corrected, cajoled, and coerced over the years made her doubt herself. In public, she was a docile, fearful individual who could not look other people in the eye.
She could fight him in private because she was full of resentment, but inside she feared that she really was inferior. Because of that low self-esteem, if there was anyone else in the room, she cowered.
Seeing the light
He felt she controlled because she had reached the point where she would react with anger rather than yielding. That change angered him. When she fought back, though in private, he was convinced that no one could be married to a shrew such as her. Two things happened to help him understand that he was the controller and not his wife.
Being honest
First, other people in their marriage workshop reached out to her and validated her as a human being with value and worth. They accepted her as she was. It gave her strength. Strength turned her anger into confidence and resolve. With great self-control, she calmly informed him the last day of the crisis marriage workshop that she would not tolerate being treated as inferior ever again.
Second, one of the leaders of our workshop finally got through to the husband what he was doing. It is fine to have an opinion: It is not fine to force it on her. It is okay to want her to feel certain emotions: However, he had to accept that her feelings belonged to her, not him. He had no right to try to control what she felt. Overpowering another person by personality, intensity, argumentation, or any other means is in essence a form of slavery.

Gaining calm confidence
As indicated above, sometimes controllers feel that they are the controlled. Having wise, objective counsel sometimes is essential to discovering whether one is the controlled or the controller.
Additionally, if one is truly being manipulated or controlled, that person has to make a decision that he or she will no longer live under those conditions. Anger will not solve the problem. Calm strength can. Therapy or counselling may be required. Almost certainly there must be a strong support group.
Seeking help
Lastly, if someone is being physically controlled (violence, abuse, or similar), that person must seek professional intervention before any confrontation with the controller. If a person does not know where to find help, a talk with a physician can lead to the right resources.
Helpful contact details and numbers

Telefriend (Christian help-line): www.telefriend.org.za / 0861 10 63 10
Ellel (Marriage courses and counsellors): www.ellelministries.org
Focus On The Family (They can provide a list of counsellors around the country): www.safamily.co.za / 031 716 3300
Institute of Christian Psychology (Christian Psychologists and
Therapists): www.icp.org.za / 011 021 8930
Family Transformation Ministries (Seminars and Courses): www.familytransformation.org  

 
By: JOE BEAM, founder of Beam Research Institute and chairman of MarriageHelper.com. He is a known and respected authority on love, marriage and sex. See: www.joebeam.com